Betrayal
by Carmen Renee Berry

Why Didn't I See This Coming?

Why don't we see betrayal before it happens? The answer is simple: we aren't looking. Dangerous people arouse our suspicion. We keep our vulnerabilities covered, our radar alert for warning signs, and make sure we know the location of the nearest exit door. But we do none of these things with someone we trust. That is the great thing about trusting someone - we don't have to be on our guard. So there we are, relaxed, at ease, and unprotected when the horrible surprise occurs. A wife finds a receipt in her husband's coat pocket and realizes he's having an affair; a business partner reviews the accounting and finds funds missing; a young woman excitedly says yes to a date with a man she admires, only having the evening end in rape; a son finds a bottle of gin hidden in his
father's desk after being assured his dad is sober. Betrayal is hurt that comes in many forms - a promise broken, a confidence violated, a boundary crossed, a lie exposed. Being hurt by anyone is painful. But when we are hurt by someone we love and trust, the pain seems more intense because it takes us by surprise. We are hurt when we least expect it by those we rely on to be on our side.

What Did I Do to Deserve This?

When we're hurt, it is natural to look for someone to blame. If you're like me, my first response is to blame myself. I say things to myself like, "If I were stronger, I wouldn't get hurt" or "See what a failure I am? I get what I deserve." After pounding myself to a pulp, I often swing to the other extreme and blame the person who hurt me. "She is insensitive. It's all her fault" or "He's cruel and self-centered. He is totally to blame for this mess." Blaming ourselves or others is a trap which keeps us from healing by consuming our energy in ill-defined accusations and overstating the negative. Blame makes reconciliation impossible. However, when we hold ourselves and others accountable for specific behavior, we can be clear about the hurtful actions, recognize what can be learned from the situation, and identify what steps can be taken to make amends. When we hold others responsible for what they have done, rather than blame them for all of our self-doubting feelings, we re-instate confidence in ourselves. We can begin to heal our damaged self-esteem and our trust in others.

How Can I Face the Loss?

Betrayal signifies loss - loss of trust, loss of safety, loss of predictability, and maybe even loss of a relationship. The grief can seem overwhelming. I've found that grieving the losses of betrayal are often compounded by the reactions of my friends. Angry of my behalf, I've had many well-intentioned friends try to keep me from feeling sad by pressing me to "not care" anymore. People have said things to me like, "Who needs someone like that in your life? Just forget about it and go on" or "Are you still sad about this situation? Why don't you go out and meet someone new?" While the intention is kind, these statements further alienate the person who grieves. Whether the betrayal happened yesterday or in childhood, loss is involved and grieving is a necessary part of healing. Recovery from betrayal can not be rushed by pretending it doesn't hurt or by diminishing the importance of the person you once trusted. Grief takes time and sets its own pace. It's important to take all the time you need to let the healing be complete.

Trusting Again

The only sure-fire way to avoid betrayal is to refuse to care about or trust anyone ever again. This path may seem wise when the pain is the most intense, but it is not a long term solution. God's love for us is the foundation upon which we can rebuild what is lost through betrayal - a sense of safety, the ability to trust, a willingness to risk, and vulnerability to life's important, though sometimes painful, lessons. Regardless of the risks, love draws us back to try again. To do so, u must learn to understand and forgive.