rubythecutie's Xanga

Friday, July 02, 2004

Fri, 02 Jul 2004 01:59:03 GMT

Betrayal
by Carmen Renee Berry

Why Didn't I See This Coming?

Why don't we see betrayal before it happens? The answer is simple: we aren't looking. Dangerous people arouse our suspicion. We keep our vulnerabilities covered, our radar alert for warning signs, and make sure we know the location of the nearest exit door. But we do none of these things with someone we trust. That is the great thing about trusting someone - we don't have to be on our guard. So there we are, relaxed, at ease, and unprotected when the horrible surprise occurs. A wife finds a receipt in her husband's coat pocket and realizes he's having an affair; a business partner reviews the accounting and finds funds missing; a young woman excitedly says yes to a date with a man she admires, only having the evening end in rape; a son finds a bottle of gin hidden in his
father's desk after being assured his dad is sober. Betrayal is hurt that comes in many forms - a promise broken, a confidence violated, a boundary crossed, a lie exposed. Being hurt by anyone is painful. But when we are hurt by someone we love and trust, the pain seems more intense because it takes us by surprise. We are hurt when we least expect it by those we rely on to be on our side.

What Did I Do to Deserve This?

When we're hurt, it is natural to look for someone to blame. If you're like me, my first response is to blame myself. I say things to myself like, "If I were stronger, I wouldn't get hurt" or "See what a failure I am? I get what I deserve." After pounding myself to a pulp, I often swing to the other extreme and blame the person who hurt me. "She is insensitive. It's all her fault" or "He's cruel and self-centered. He is totally to blame for this mess." Blaming ourselves or others is a trap which keeps us from healing by consuming our energy in ill-defined accusations and overstating the negative. Blame makes reconciliation impossible. However, when we hold ourselves and others accountable for specific behavior, we can be clear about the hurtful actions, recognize what can be learned from the situation, and identify what steps can be taken to make amends. When we hold others responsible for what they have done, rather than blame them for all of our self-doubting feelings, we re-instate confidence in ourselves. We can begin to heal our damaged self-esteem and our trust in others.

How Can I Face the Loss?

Betrayal signifies loss - loss of trust, loss of safety, loss of predictability, and maybe even loss of a relationship. The grief can seem overwhelming. I've found that grieving the losses of betrayal are often compounded by the reactions of my friends. Angry of my behalf, I've had many well-intentioned friends try to keep me from feeling sad by pressing me to "not care" anymore. People have said things to me like, "Who needs someone like that in your life? Just forget about it and go on" or "Are you still sad about this situation? Why don't you go out and meet someone new?" While the intention is kind, these statements further alienate the person who grieves. Whether the betrayal happened yesterday or in childhood, loss is involved and grieving is a necessary part of healing. Recovery from betrayal can not be rushed by pretending it doesn't hurt or by diminishing the importance of the person you once trusted. Grief takes time and sets its own pace. It's important to take all the time you need to let the healing be complete.

Trusting Again

The only sure-fire way to avoid betrayal is to refuse to care about or trust anyone ever again. This path may seem wise when the pain is the most intense, but it is not a long term solution. God's love for us is the foundation upon which we can rebuild what is lost through betrayal - a sense of safety, the ability to trust, a willingness to risk, and vulnerability to life's important, though sometimes painful, lessons. Regardless of the risks, love draws us back to try again. To do so, u must learn to understand and forgive.

Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Tue, 29 Jun 2004 03:15:02 GMT

Hvn't been here for long. I just read thru' my frd's page @ Fdster & found this sentence. I just luv it so much as i wanna copy it down...

" If the left side is the right side & the right side is the wrong side. Would you be right when you are left? And will you be wrong when you are right?!"

I really feel this sentence can totally express how my feeling is & what i'm confused at this moment. I keep on telling myself that we are doing the right thg, but I dunno y I just can't stop my tears from following down. & somehow I would feel that, maybe this is wrong. So watz the definitions of RIGHT & WRONG??!! I'm confused.

Friday, March 12, 2004

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 17:04:03 GMT

http://asura-prophetess.blogspot.com

Ausra is one of my very favorite God in the ancient Indian myths. I used my whole nite searching on net for itz info. As I FINALLY find a weblog site for my Chinese writings!!!!!! I feel so excited tat I can post my chinese writings now, even some of the old ones. So I may write LESS eng stuff, as I think i prefer to use my mother-language. So tatz it for today! I hv to write my chi writings nei~~

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 18:28:37 GMT

當你看著我我沒有開口已被你猜透
還是沒把握還是沒有符合你的要求
是我自己想得太多還是你也在閃躲
如果真的選擇是我我鼓起勇氣去接受
不知不覺讓視線開始閃爍
喔第一次我說愛你的時候
呼吸難過心不停地顫抖
喔第一次我牽起你的雙手
失去方向不知該往那兒走
那是一起相愛的理由(對我)
那是一起廝守
喔第一次吻你深深的酒渦
想要清醒卻沖昏了頭
喔第一次你躺在我的胸口
二十四小時沒有分開過
那是第一次知道天長地久
感覺你屬於我感覺你的眼眸
第一次就決定決不會錯

第一次 . 光良

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 18:24:03 GMT

你還記得嗎記憶的炎夏
散落在風中的已蒸發
喧嘩的都已沙啞沒結果的花
未完成的牽掛
我們學會許多說法來掩飾不碰的傷疤
因為我會想起你我害怕面對自己
我的意志總被寂寞吞食
因為你總會提醒過去總不會過去
有種真愛不是我的
假如我不曾愛你我不會失去自己
想念的刺釘住我的位置
因為你總會提醒儘管我得到世界
有些幸福不是我的
你還記得嗎記憶的炎夏
我終於沒選擇的分岔
最後又有誰到達

愛 . 莫文蔚

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 18:10:51 GMT

我在五點十分醒來   他在清晨時候離開
透明的玻璃窗沾滿小塵埃
我在這裡   比黑暗更深的夜裡
張開眼睛   陌生人遞來一封信
我在清晨時候醒來   帶著他的暗示離開
在跌倒的地方勇敢站起來
我在這裡   我在你昨天的夢裡
一片烏雲   一座神秘的小森林
誰來擁抱我保護我或是傷害我放棄我
擁抱我保護我
帶著我逃到黑暗的盡頭
擁抱我保護我或是傷害我放棄我
擁抱我保護我
帶著我逃到黑暗的盡頭等著他
我在午夜時候回來   帶著憂傷的歌把回憶敲開
我在這裡   手提著沉沉的行李
迷失在我和你未完成的旅行

小塵埃 . 陳綺貞

PS. To H

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 17:10:30 GMT

Headache. A little bit drunken tonite. My head hv been painful all thru today but I still drank some hot sake. My headache is just worsen. & I think. How much it would be better if I can write in Chinese here, as my English is not good enough.

The light bulb of the lamp on my table burned out. I carried it in my bag all thru today but I still forgot to get a new one. So now I write in the dark, type in the dark, & once again hope tat I can write in Chinese.

& it seems tat all the thgs around me burned out in one day. My luck. My love. & also therez still headache. & I cried on the bus when I was on my way to hv dinner w/ MA. Itz always like this. When thgs gotta be good for me then some time later they will all disappeared. & me was left here, writing in the dark.

< So I keep on telling myself tat itz only a relationship in the fake world. So there shouldn't be any heartache or tears or watever. Like the story line of "Pride" tat I watched today. Therez no promises & no commitments between us. Itz only a game. Itz only a short term contract. When the time comes, both of us hv to leave. & my heart was dropped somewhere long time ago... so dun worry, I'll be fine. >

Monday, March 08, 2004

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 19:26:59 GMT

Alone

He said he loves me.
Then he left.

He said hez kinda like me.
Then he left.

He said he likes my hair style.
Then he left.

He said he likes my lip shape.
Then he left.

He said he likes my smile.
Then he left.

So watever this he or tat he or even another he loves or likes,
they all left me behind.

So, here I am, once again, sitting here in front the pc,
with all the he in this world left behind me,
ALONE.

So tatz it. Tatz the end of my life.

Monday, March 08, 2004

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 17:27:32 GMT

Cycle of our stories

Tonite I talked w/ V abt relationships. Then I think. The beginnings of all the stories are the same. A guy & a gal, interested in each other, keep on chatting, day & nite. Like therez unlimited topics to be explored. They open their hearts to talk abt anythg with laughters. Then, after several days several weeks or several mnths they will talk less & less & become buzy w/ other stuffs. Finally they will hv nthg to talk when they meet. They will stare at the TV even when they eat. & they dun even wanna look into each other's eyes. Until either one of them feel tired, or sick of it, or find another newly interested one...

Then the story will start all-over again.

I know it clearly coz I'm well-experienced in this kinda cycle.

Then I remember wat did I told B. He said hey Ruby how come u become an eater a player itz not the Ruby tat I know. I told him tat no I hvn't chged I am still the same me only tat I got myself adjusted in order to fit into this cruel world. I just try to treat thgs not so seriously to aviod getting hurt. Coz I'm tired & all I want is too take a break. The possibility of finding my another half is alrdy out of my control. I dun even know if I can still meet THE ONE, or if therez REALLY THE ONE in my life...

So I told V. Just enjoy when therez happiness. Just dance when therez music. Just fly when therez wind. Coz watever sweet thgs we r hving now, will only become memories, ultimately.

& this is our fate. Althu itz sad, but itz always true.

Sunday, March 07, 2004

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 16:19:28 GMT

Thinking of you, thinking of you,
Wondering what you might be doing.
If you are sleeping, if you are dreaming,
Please find me in your dreams.

Thinking of me, thinking of me,
Wondering what you might be doing.
If you are crying, if you are smiling,
I'll always be with you.

Tonight, there are no miracles.
Tonight, we have to find our own roads.
Tomorrow, life may be difficult.
Tomorrow, you'll have to go.

Someday, or maybe somewhere,
we will somehow meet again.
Someday, or maybe somewhere,
we will somehow meet again....
Maybe someday, somewhere, somehow.....

Thinking of you, thinking of you,
Wondering what you might be doing.
If you are sleeping, if you are dreaming,
Please find me in your dreams... Tonight.

- Thinking of you . Lois Kwok